It seems that in every relationship, there is an entrance exam. Something to prove or to fulfill before you are let in to the inner circle. Just go back in time in your mind and see what you had to do to win someone’s heart to prove him/herself to you, maybe what you had to do to bridge that gap too. What were the things that you thought were important at the time… “…he has to love kids”, “she needs to be an outdoors person”, “he needs to like my sister- (this is impossible of course)”. Likes to ski, likes to fish, likes sports, is musical, into crochet, can cook as good as my mom does (watch out on that one)… the list can go on forever. So what is that they are really asking in that entrance exam?
My sister’s boyfriend at the time, now brother in law, and sister had an interesting start. He would tell prospective girls something to the effect… “hey I’m going to go butcher a cow or a sheep (animal) would you like to come.” This as a first date mind you, and how he weeded out the girls. Most were repulsed and had that look of “eeewwh gross”- they of course were tossed on the heap. They didn’t pass the test. Well my sister said to him, “sure, can I help?” He thought, this is someone to take look at more seriously, and he did.
Each of us have to pass the “test” to see if the relationship is going to move anywhere- compatibility. I have recently heard of a young man who said, that he wanted to live in a yurt on piece of land with no running water, facilities, no shower and “it’s cozy” –~20 feet in diameter/~314 sq feet of space. Well what kind of girl would like to do that, there are some I suppose. But my question overall is, is that really his entrance exam, or is that some romantic notion that really might not be practical, or what is he wanting to see the character within those types of parameters- is the yurt the symbol of importance or is it just he wants someone who is “adventuresome” or has a willingness to not like the traditional. What do these characteristics mean, is the yurt the important thing or is it the attitude of adventure the important thing. I would think one would want to look a little deeper within. Did my bother-in-law go through a number of animals to find the right girl? Or was it just a semantics test.
I have heard it and believe that the decision of who you marry not only affects you personally but generations to come and one shouldn’t walk lightly into the night with that decision. I think the entrance exam is partly a test, of course, but more of a compatibility check without laying all the laundry at the feet of the intended- it’s the list of all the expectations and wants and characteristics of someone who will take care of you and who you will take care of and that’s just the core, it’s kids and grand kids it’s legacy. It’s one section of the list that you have derived over your life time. It’s to say these are the things that are important or even the things that you won’t accept. Some are non-negotiable, some are kind of shallow (needs to be “this tall”, or have “dark hair” or “be rich”- whatever that means.
In the younger years- I think people keep those lists pretty close to the vest and then in the seasoned years, you may present your entire list on the first date all in an effort to just lay it all on the line- so nobody is wasting time. Which is correct… in the immortal words of one of my statistics professors… “it depends”. One way to look at it is that it’s being too bold, but at the same time holding onto the list could be interpreted as needing to read someone’s mind too much. Which is correct… it depends.
Now the kicker… what to do about this. In my opinion one of the grand failures of relationships is that of unrealized expectations. It never hurts to communicate more, to gauge where one is at and know what you want. But this needs to be communicated to the other through conversation- it does no good to have it only live in your head, to just think about it. Be bold, be particular about your goals, partner with someone that can help you get there all the while letting the other help you get to your place as well. These type of decisions not only define you and your spouse but generations to come. Now will you be successful if you do all of this and understand your own set of tests… well I guess it depends.