Let me tell you a story, a story so sad it will make your salad turn green.   A pitiful yarn of epic digestive proportions.  I am talking about the sad story of the vegetable tray. 

The venerable vegetable tray…. every event has one, it usually goes something like this… host to guest = “hey, for Thanksgiving, could you bring some side dishes or desert.. (meaning = I don’t want to provide the whole entire meal)”.  The cheapskate- (ehh brother) then says to host = “sure,… I’ll just bring a vegetable tray”.  Host then feels like he has been kicked in the stomach and gives a weak acceptance; the tacit admittance of defeat… “ok, you bring that veggie goodness.. (sigh)”.  All the while thinking, “Ok my brother is such a tight wad, why didn’t he just say he had rabies and couldn’t make it”.  The turkey is the center piece of course with stuffing, gravy, candied yams, rolls, butter, creamy salads, savory sides, pies all taking fitting positions next to the Parthenon of Poultry…and then the bucktoothed-red-headed-step-child, riding a tricycle down the dirt road of low society, as it were,… on the counter by the stove (under the sink)… “the vegetable tray”.

How many people in their moments of gluteus bliss dive head first into the veggie tray… one in a hundred- too high me thinks; maybe one in a thousand?  There needs to be a pareto of priorities; there is an importance to the pile on that plate – turkey and mashed potatoes (with a deep gravy well) take up key real-estate- half the surface area, a generous mound of stuffing and the sweet potato medley each share roughly a quarter the remaining emptiness, two rolls with a possible third roll as a “piler on the top”, and of course the butter and jam to round out the remainder of goodness.  An olive or two may top it off, if one had a certain flair- stylish to say the least and of course if one could fit the pumpkin pie it would be placed on the pinnacle- a culinary symphony.  But that last feat in and of itself might be construed as poor form – a familial faux pau – go with the separate plate and flight off with two pieces instead.  One could look down and wonder what is missing… the frog eyed salad- yes, or the mandarin orange salad, most definitely, where can that all fit in?… and the cranberry sauce….right in the middle of the pile of course.  Those each have to fill in the cracks somewhere, somehow.  Not once did anyone say in the eager voice of jubilee “hey let’s start with the veggie tray everyone”… yippee…or jump straight to the healthy green salad as a secondary priority.  Of course those people aren’t human… they’re v-e-g-e-t-a-r-i-a-n-s.   I think there might be room in the utility room if they want to eat at the house, or in the garage… “hey, while you are out there can you organize the paint thinners.”

The point of the veggie tray shows 1. That one doesn’t have the skills necessary to create food- so as to never be asked to bring anything important- thus showing that you aren’t important to begin with.  2. To show that you are a minimalist and don’t want to invest in that family either.  3.  To show, “I’m on a diet, so I think that you should be to”- in other word self-loathing 4.  Then there is the slim possibility that you actually like the vegetables- sans Ranch Dressing.  This condition would be the most worrisome, as it tends to be a risk factor for other such dire diseases such as empathy, or sensitivity or worst…the American male wearing Capri’s.  But if one must bring a veggie tray to a family gathering such as the venerated Thanksgiving feast… try to do it with a little style…have a section with just bacon on it.  With such a power play the focus will be on the bacon and not on the baby carrots or celery, and you may get an appreciative knowing nod from the host that will signify that, “you done good son” which will let you know that your efforts were supported by the gods.  By the way where do you want the Linseed oil?

Paying attention

Envision this… you are sitting at your dinner table in the evening and your spouse and all of your kids with the exception of the toddler have their focus on either a phone or a notebook (IPAD or other).  You look around at each of them and only see light reflected from the screen onto their faces.  There are furtive stabs at the green beans, but the real focus is on who is dating whom, where the party is that weekend… some of the latest gossip.  You glance at your spouse and she is texting her mom or siblings about plans for the next family dinner- even though you don’t want to go to it because it’s at your mother-in-law’s lair.   You sigh and wonder how we got to this place, the divided attention.

Now you are at church and you see the people on the row above you either texting on their phone most of the service, doing finances, starting or planning their lesson, writing letters- or eating waffles.  Full disclosure, when my kids were about 10 or 11 years old I decided that I wanted to bring little baggies of cheerios and fruit loops to the services, just so I could snack on them too… I thought…well just because- my wife scorned me of course.  Yes I’m kind of like that.

Does this matter at all, it’s not like we as a family don’t talk, like in the hall as your kids pass by with a piece of toast in their hand that is the substitute for breakfast.  Evenings are worse, your busy, they are busy, even the little toe-head blond kid is busy- he has TV/Movies to watch (as the company babysitter).  I heard one time (could be apocryphal in reality).  A church leader kept in his pocket a plug of chewing tobacco, even though he had quit years before- it was a reminder to him.  He would pull it out, look at it and talk to it, asking if it was in charge or if he was in charge.  We could do the same thing, we could pull out the phone and talk to it, asking if it is in charge or if you are in charge.

What does this divided attention get us?  Do you remember when your little ones were really little and they wanted your attention and you weren’t giving it to them –whether it was divided by the TV or reading a magazine.  The little one, with no malice, would grab your fat little face in his chubby little hands and pull you in so that your eyes met- he then knew that you were paying attention to him.   Because your eyes met his- the windows to the soul.  I was reminded of that recently in a very real way, to make contact.  If your attention is elsewhere and your eyes are drifted or lost or otherwise out of the arena of where you are or where you want them to be then you aren’t paying attention are you.

I know you are busy and this text is really important, because… who knew that Chad liked Crystal… or that your sister wants you to bring craft paper to the family dinner… well for no reason.   I have always liked the phrase, “wherever you are, be there.”  You never know what you might miss or what minor tender blessing is just playing out before your eyes and you would have missed it.   Life is so subtle.  I used to fly fish quite a bit years ago and would just watch the water and the banks on a stream or creek, while sitting on a rock before starting to fish- catching fish is fun and all and it’s good to get away into nature, but it’s all those small things that are really important that make the event important.  This time was to tune myself to the happenings that were happening.  It’s not just water rolling over rocks and trees swaying in the breeze, there is life above and below the surface of the water it’s happening 24/7–there is an entire universe at your fingertips.  All we need to do is to “pay attention”.

What to do then, check the phone in at the door (everyone), no phones at the dinner table, look each other in the eyes, talk to each other in meaningful ways- that’s a start.  Go fishing more, eat more cheerios in church, pay attention to the speaker, you might learn something.  Be where you are at, you might bless someone else’s life in a meaningful way that day, if you meet others with your eyes.  Who is in charge, you might ask, you or the…..event, the situation, the time, the child, the parent, the school etc…?  Be where you are at.

It seems that in every relationship, there is an entrance exam.  Something to prove or to fulfill before you are let in to the inner circle.   Just go back in time in your mind and see what you had to do to win someone’s heart to prove him/herself to you, maybe what you had to do to bridge that gap too.  What were the things that you thought were important at the time… “…he has to love kids”, “she needs to be an outdoors person”, “he needs to like my sister- (this is impossible of course)”.  Likes to ski, likes to fish, likes sports, is musical, into crochet, can cook as good as my mom does (watch out on that one)… the list can go on forever.  So what is that they are really asking in that entrance exam?

My sister’s boyfriend at the time, now brother in law, and sister had an interesting start.  He would tell prospective girls something to the effect… “hey I’m going to go butcher a cow or a sheep (animal) would you like to come.”  This as a first date mind you, and how he weeded out the girls.  Most were repulsed and had that look of “eeewwh gross”- they of course were tossed on the heap.   They didn’t pass the test.  Well my sister said to him, “sure, can I help?”  He thought, this is someone to take look at more seriously, and he did.

Each of us have to pass the “test” to see if the relationship is going to move anywhere- compatibility.   I have recently heard of a young man who said, that he wanted to live in a yurt on piece of land with no running water, facilities, no shower and “it’s cozy” –~20 feet in diameter/~314 sq feet of space.  Well what kind of girl would like to do that, there are some I suppose.   But my question overall is, is that really his entrance exam, or is that some romantic notion that really might not be practical, or what is he wanting to see the character within those types of parameters- is the yurt the symbol of importance or is it just he wants someone who is “adventuresome” or has a willingness to not like the traditional.  What do these characteristics mean, is the yurt the important thing or is it the attitude of adventure the important thing.  I would think one would want to look a little deeper within.   Did my bother-in-law go through a number of animals to find the right girl? Or was it just a semantics test.

I have heard it and believe that the decision of who you marry not only affects you personally but generations to come and one shouldn’t walk lightly into the night with that decision.  I think the entrance exam is partly a test, of course, but more of a compatibility check without laying all the laundry at the feet of the intended- it’s the list of all the expectations and wants and characteristics of someone who will take care of you and who you will take care of and that’s just the core, it’s kids and grand kids it’s legacy.  It’s one section of the list that you have derived over your life time.  It’s to say these are the things that are important or even the things that you won’t accept.  Some are non-negotiable, some are kind of shallow (needs to be “this tall”, or have “dark hair” or “be rich”- whatever that means.

In the younger years- I think people keep those lists pretty close to the vest and then in the seasoned years, you may present your entire list on the first date all in an effort to just lay it all on the line- so nobody is wasting time.  Which is correct… in the immortal words of one of my statistics professors… “it depends”.   One way to look at it is that it’s being too bold, but at the same time holding onto the list could be interpreted as needing to read someone’s mind too much.  Which is correct… it depends.

Now the kicker… what to do about this.  In my opinion one of the grand failures of relationships is that of unrealized expectations.  It never hurts to communicate more, to gauge where one is at and know what you want.   But this needs to be communicated to the other through conversation- it does no good to have it only live in your head, to just think about it.  Be bold, be particular about your goals, partner with someone that can help you get there all the while letting the other help you get to your place as well.  These type of decisions not only define you and your spouse but generations to come.  Now will you be successful if you do all of this and understand your own set of tests… well I guess it depends.